Hard-Earned wisdom #1

Hard Earned Wisdom: Here's where I share the advice I wish I'd gotten when I was twenty. Or I got it but I totally ignored it. Whatever.

Let's talk about high heels. I read some fine advice in Nina Hartley's Guide to Total Sex.

She says something to the effect of: Wear Heels, Bring Flats.

I'm a huge fan of high heeled shoes. Heels are attractive, elongating the leg, making your bum sway when you walk... Even the pain can be sexy. You know those guys who hang themselves from hooks as a spiritual practice? I know how they feel.

It doesn't make sense, so don't even try. It's beautiful, and sometimes that's reason enough. Many, many things have been destroyed in the name of beauty, and baby toes don't have any real purpose anyways.

All the same. Bring flats. At the end of the night you know what's not sexy? Hobbling. Hobbling is sexy to only a select few weirdos. Hobbling is for pussies.

Or worse, STAGGERING. Like if you've had too many mojitos and all of a sudden your balance has gone the way of Michael Jackson's career? The dicks you attract at this stage of the night will be dicks of your own design. Don't go sneering to your girlfriend, honey, 'cause it's all you.

Even WORSE - and then you just say "FUGGIT" and take off your shoes and dance your dirty-ass feet down 2nd Avenue. That might be cute and when you're twenty. Drunk-ass-skank-foot at thirty-seven? NOT. SO. MUCH.

Hard-earned wisdom #1: Wear heels. Bring Flats.